How To Blog For Tumblr
February 22, 2015
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Two simple rules. Make it all about yourself and make it emotionally exhausting. For example:
Yesterday, I was out for a drive and I saw a business that I thought looked interesting. I went inside and browsed around a little bit. Some of the items they sold were kind of odd, and I just decided it wasn’t the kind of place for me. So, when I was leaving, the owner asked me if I found everything ok. I said that it was an interesting store and left it at that. I didn’t say what I was really thinking.
Instead, you write:
Now, yesterday, I was outside for the first time in what felt like forever, since I’ve been cooped up in this asylum for what feels like forever. As I drove along, my senses were exhilarated by the fresh, clean air – despite having that slightly opaque quality of horrible pesticide from the nearby farms. And in those moments, I was caught between my love for life and the despise of my ego-centric human co-habitors who want nothing more than to make a shifty buck. And speaking of bucks, here’s a new business that looks interesting. Maybe I will find some of the things that make me go, hmmm. That is my forte, you know. Making people go hmmm. Upon entering the store, I was completely taken aback by the unnerving and overpowering vibe of… weirdness? Nay, insanity. My eyes wept for the innocence of a million children that would be subjected to such devious depictions of capitalism, and my mind, in its best attempt to shelter me from further despair, became numb to the entire experience. When my overloaded, overworked, and overstressed senses could not handle the assault any further, I hastened to the door. Oh sweet freedom from this agony! You are only steps away! But before I could savor the fresh, liberating experience of being unshackled from this oppression, the storeowner – a peddler of the most profane wares in the universe – had the audacity to ask me if I found what I was looking for. In my mind, I cursed him a thousand ways and considered informing him that the only thing I found was offensive offerings with monetary and aesthetic value so low that I would need to be compensated to even consider purchasing one. Choking back my words of justice, I politely told him his store was interesting and I left him to ponder the ramifications of such a simple answer to his question. He should think long and hard on it, for there was a message in my tone of voice that words could not convey. I pray that no one should have to be subjected to what I had to endure this day, yesterday.
You see, I can write like this, but choose not to. Thank god.