A Good Idea Made Better
September 12, 2016
Posted by on
Driving to work today, I saw a dumpster truck for the disposal/moving company, College Hunks Hauling Junk. It made me wonder how that name came to be. Maybe the original founders were considered hunks and were in college and decided to haul junk to make money. It makes me wonder if the founders approached other college kids and offered them a job on the premise that they would get paid for essentially working out. You get paid and you maintain your “hunk” status. Sounds like a win-win.
Well times have changed, so I’m going to create the next iteration of this business model. I call it: Middle-aged Shitheads Being Crossfit-heads. And I already have the commercial planned out. But the pitch to the potential employees is still the same. They can get paid while doing their ridiculous exercises.
We open the commercial with old, large, grouchy moving men slowly moving pieces of furniture from a house to a truck. “When you’re moving, you understand that time is a crucial factor. Why be held up when your moving company moves like a glacier?”
Switch the scene to a few thin, ripped people (men and women!) in crazy-tight spandex dashing back and forth between the truck and house with household items. The difference is, in the true crossfit standard, the items are just chucked into the back of the truck. You see, the focus is on speed, not quality.
The subsequent scenes reinforce the absurdity of applying crossfit to moving. Boxes and completely unpacked articles piled up in the back of the truck; someone pitching clothes from a pile like a dog burrowing in the ground; someone struggling with a heavy item and two or three others crowded around him shouting at him to “finish it” instead of helping out; a couch being flipped end over end through the house out to the truck; gratuitous celebrations after moving a box. You get the point. The commercial could get lengthy.
At the end of the commercial, there would be a teaser for a sister company, Shithead Servant Services, which specializes in personal household services, like handyman (cue scene of hanging a picture with truck tire and sledgehammer), gardening (scene of “battle-roping” with hoses – or fire hoses), and carrying groceries inside (Guys looking at grocery bags in truck. “It’s at least two sets of Gurpals!” “AUUGH! I HATE GURPALS!!” “Oh wait, these are going to be Durkels.” “YEAAHH! I LOVE DURKELS!!!” Guys then hauling in all bags at once, then obviously celebrating on completion.)
I’ll be rich.