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Tag Archives: humor


I don’t know why I have this little hangup about posts where I feel if I don’t have at least a certain wordcount, it’s not really worth posting at all.  I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about how different social platforms are optimized for different message lengths, but blogging is supposed to be for the longest form of writing.  Well, not today.  Story time!


I’m out at lunch at Hungry Howies, enjoying my usual small pizza with light sauce and pepperoni, when I notice a wasp out of the corner of my eye in the window.  I can immediately tell the wasp is agitated, but that is sort of a moot observation because wasps have no chill and are always agitated. 

Without trying to cause too much alarm and make myself a target, I visually confirm which side of the glass the wasp is on.  It’s my side, the worse of the two available sides.  I watch the wasp carefully, without making direct eye contact.  I want to know what his plans are, maybe to continue pushing against the glass or maybe to go elsewhere, like my face.

After a while of watching, less than a minute for sure, I decided the wasp must be killed so I may eat in peace.  So I get up from my booth and go up to the counter to get a killing implement.  A woman meets me at the counter and I ask, “Do you have a fly swatter?”  She says sure and disappears.  The woman took longer than I would expect, but eventually comes back with a paper cup and a lid.  I’m thinking to myself, “What the fuck.  You want me to trap this thing in a cup?”

She holds the cup and lid out to me and says, “That’s the best I could do.”  I make no move to take the items from her and I must’ve had the strangest expression on my face, because she pulled back and asked, “You said you wanted an ice water?”

No.  That isn’t what I wanted.


Bible Study

I was sitting at my little bistro table, eating some dinner – double-decker peanut butter sandwich and potato chips – and absently studying a snow globe in the middle of the table.  Inside the snow globe were “the three wise men” from the birth of Jesus.  My mind started wandering a little bit.

My first thought was AK’s nativity post that had four wise men.  And me, being the insensitive heretic I am wondered, “was the fourth one Shemp?”  What were their names anyway?  Frank, Goldman-Sachs, and MIR?  And then I got thinking about the gifts.  I don’t know about the other things, but I know gold.  That’s a pretty fine gift, right there.  Of course, nowadays, you better be bringing bitcoin.  But, despite not having a 600% growth curve, gold is still useful.  You know, it could pay for a room at the inn, instead of being stuck in the stable.

And how about those lodgings?  I mean, you must be the son of god to survive being born in a stable.  There’s no incubator, no heart monitors, no nothing.  But I’ll bet there was a whole lot of blood.  The innkeeper was probably like, “When’s she due?  Oh, I don’t have any rooms for that kind of mess…”  So, you deliver the baby and now to clean up.  “Where’s the water?”  “Oh, just get some from the trough over there.”  “Good god.”  “Yes, he’s right here!”  “Put some clothes on him.”  “He’s a mess!”  “Well, don’t use the good clothes, use the… I don’t know… swaddling clothes!”

As I was making these horrible jokes, I started to get a little concerned.  Not because of the sacrilegious-ness of the jokes, but because I wanted them to be accurate.  You can only stretch the truth so far in a joke and then people will be like, “That’s not even funny.  That never happened.”  Of course we’re joking on a topic that some people take literally.  LITERALLY.  So for everyone’s benefit, I wanted to do some research before I do any more insulting.

Here’s the problem.  I don’t have a bible.  Funny, huh?  I was raised Catholic and went through all the sacraments until I became a free-thinking adult, but I don’t seem to have my bible anymore.  Nor my rosary, nor my crucifix.  I kinda miss my crucifix, it was actually pretty sleek and modern, despite the dead, wasting body of Jesus on it.  In fact, I think if I did still have it, I might actually hang it in my house, because I understand modern Christians – the ones that think they can do whatever they want and just say, “I believe in Jesus” before they die and get a free pass to heaven – find crucifixes creepy as fuck because of the dead body.  They prefer unadorned crosses instead.

Anyway, my lack of bible.  Ironically, all the Family Christian stores have recently closed down around me, so I couldn’t go get a top-notch bible.  I mean, yeah, I could probably buy a bible at Dollar Tree, but seriously, would you trust a one-dollar bible that was made in China?  Harreruyah!  My other option would be to get a hotel room for the night and steal the bible from the nightstand, but that seemed wrong.  And too expensive.

The obvious option was an online bible, but, even though I hadn’t shaved for a few days, I felt like I had a full hipster beard when I recoiled at the thought of accessing the oldest printed text in the world through a non-printed medium.  Reading the word of god online?  That’s how they get ya!  Goddamn liberals.  Oh wait, I am a liberal.  So I shaved off what whiskers I had on my face, opened my browser of choice (Vivaldi, now) and went to what I thought would be the most likely guess for a place to read the bible –  Fucking shit.  There’s no bibles here.  This is a website where you learn about the bible.  Blah, blah.  Let us tell you about this or that from the bible.  No, I want to read the goddamn fucking… oh, there it is.  Never mind…

So, I checked out Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, who are like the Ninja Turtles of the bible.  And I was surprised at the lack of detail I got about the birth of Jesus.  I remember stories about how Joseph and Mary travelled from inn to inn looking for shelter and the details of how they were turned away and how finally someone took pity on them and let them stay in the barn.  I don’t remember if they got charged for staying in there, but that detail, along with all the others I thought I remember, aren’t there.

I was also really surprised at how fast the plot moved along.  It was only a few minutes of reading and suddenly Jesus is like 30 years old.  Understand, I went to Catholic elementary and high school.  We did a lot of bible study.  I was even motivated enough to draw out the family tree from Adam to Jesus in elementary school, which impressed the hell out of my teacher (odd choice of words, that). So, I don’t where I spent all my time studying.

But concerning the Jesus birth, I wanted a lot more detail.  Like, yeah, Jesus had a manger (which, BTW, if you search for images of “manger”, the ratio of baby Jesus pictures to actual farming equipment pictures is stupid), but where did Joseph and Mary sleep?  On bales of hay?  Sleeping bags?  And this guiding star that keeps getting mentioned.  I’ve gone geocaching a lot and there’s plenty of times I can’t find a cache with 15ft accuracy from nine satellites.  How can someone find a baby in a city with essentially one satellite?  Using a single star as a GPS unit is just a poor navigational decision.

In the end, it was all just a great time diversion.  I didn’t really learn anything and I did not attain a physical bible.  The lack of useful joke material in the bible kind of squelched my ideas, but the journey certainly made for a provocative post.

Time For A New Product

When I was up in the wasteland, I was out driving one afternoon and saw some yard signs that said “Watch for Motorcycles!”  This isn’t a new message to me.  I see it all the time on bumper stickers where I live.  This might be the first time I’ve seen it on a yard sign, though.

Anyway, the message resonated differently this time.  When I read it, I thought to myself, “Where can I get one of these?”  Where could I buy one?  Not a sign, a watch for motorcycles.  I mean after all, there’s advertising for them all over the place.  Half the cars and trucks down here have a sticker that says “Watch for motorcycles!”  Now there’s yard signs for them too.  Someone is really missing out.  All it would take is some Hammacher Schlemmer (wow, spelt it almost perfectly the first time!) writer to promote it.

The Watch For Motorcycles

Imagine your motorcycle sitting alone in its garage.  It’s cold, alone, and desperately wants to get outside and into the sunlight.  The days pass by with no visitations or consolations.  The sun rises and falls each day and your poor motorbike waits for you.  Wouldn’t it be a joy for your motorcycle to know the actual time of day so it could anticipate your arrival?  The arrival which never comes?

HamSchlem is proud to be the exclusive distributor of the watch for motorcycles.  You’ve seen them hailed on bumper stickers and on yard signs: “Watch for Motorcycles!”  Now, the opportunity to own one of these heralded and yet non-acquirable objects is here at last  Present it to your motorcycle as a token of your affection even as you let the gas go bad in the tank and allow the tires to dry rot.

Fashion trends show that motorcycles have always loved bling and more caring owners lavish their bikes with bling even as they ignore them for months at a time.  You too can be a part of this ridiculous crowd and gift your motorcycle with its very own watch so it can tell time.  At least until the watch battery dies from the neglect you’ll inevitably heap upon it.

So, anyway, that’s a great product idea.  However.  It’s already been done.  Presenting, the “Watch For Motorcycles” watch for motorcycles:


Does My Offering Please You?

Things my cat likes:

  • Friskies
  • Feline greenies
  • Origen original treats
  • Tuna flakes from PetCo
  • Pop tarts
  • Mounds coconut
  • Peanut butter
  • Pistachios
  • Cake
  • Hamburger
  • McDonald’s cheese
  • Cookies
  • Long John Silver’s fish
  • Frosted Mini Wheats
  • Froot Loops (sometimes)
  • Pizza
  • Grilled cheese sandwiches
  • Some types of cat grass
  • Cardboard boxes (bonus if there is crunchy paper in box)
  • Bean bags
  • Suitcases (open or closed)
  • People visiting
  • Sticking her paws in my speaker port holes

Things my cat does not like

  • Spaghetti
  • Milk
  • Rice
  • Steak
  • Splashing water
  • Tuna flakes from other pet shops
  • The other types of cat grass
  • Paper bags (even if the paper bag is in a box)
  • Other cats
  • Stepping on bare skin
  • The garbage truck


Jokebook Notebook

I often have a lot of random ideas and I typically forget the details of them later.  I should be carrying a small notebook to jot these things down.  Like this morning, I saw a billboard and a commercial idea started forming in my head.  The great thing about writing commercials is there doesn’t need to be a lot of dialog (unless that’s the joke) and it’s over in as little as 15 seconds.

So, I came up with a brief sketch for a iced tea brand.  It involves the talent of Ice-T (of rap and CSI fame), Mr. T (of 70’s A-Team fame), and Master Shake (of Aqua Teen Hunger Force semi-fame).

(At the scene of a fancy outdoor party, mingling guests on a wide lawn, white party tents and small white bistro tables set up through the area.  Ice-T is standing alone and somewhat bored at one of the tables and someone approaches.  He looks up and sees Mr. T)

Ice-T: Hey. (extending hand) I’m Ice-T.

Mr. T: (shaking hand) Hey, I’m Mr. T.

Ice-T: Huh. Nice to meet you.

Master Shake: (interrupting, not in scene) Hey, I’m also a beverage!

(Ice-T and Mr. T turn to look at Master Shake, annoyed at his interruption.)

Master Shake: I said… I’m also a beverage.  You know, like a drink.  Speaking of drinks, I could use a drink.  Nothing but teas at this place.  Iced teas, Mr. T’s  – HA!  You see what I did there?  Seriously though, I could drink like a couple dozen Fuzzy Nizzles, you know what I’m saying, dawgs?

(Master Shake continues rambling on while Ice-T and Mr. T awkwardly stare at the table, trying to ignore him.  A waiter walks by with the promoted iced tea brand on his tray and the camera follows him away from the scene Master Shake is making.)

“Promoted Tea Brand – not always inappropriate”

That idea led me to a sequel. 

(In a music studio, Ice-T and Mr. T are sitting at the mixing console listening to some of Ice-T’s new music.)

Mr. T: I can’t imagine doing this for a living.  This is awesome.

Ice-T: It’s a great creative outlet.  You can really connect with people through music.

Master Shake: I connect with people all the time.  Because I have the connections.  You guys wouldn’t know about that. You got no connections.

(Master Shake is standing in the back of the studio mixing room, not really talking to anyone.  Ice-T and Mr. T stare blankly at Master Shake)

(Master Shake reaches for something on a shelf and knocks everything off onto the floor, including awards and memorabilia.)

Master Shake: Yeah, that’s what I think of you, tchotchke’s! You can stay down on the floor, because you’re nothing.  Nothing! (Realizes Ice-T and Mr. T are staring at him angrily.)  Hey, I got this idea for a song.  A rap, if you will.  (Master Shake starts making beatbox sounds and moving in jerking motions like he’s dancing.)

Ice-T: Talking cup, you are so white.

(Shot of Master Shake freezing in place with mouth agape.)

“Promoted Tea Brand – not always inappropriate”

I have an idea for another sequel involving Carl fanboy-nagging Mr. T about his A-Team exploits, too. But since these would never see the light of day, no need to develop it.

A Nose For News

Update: Now with even more noses!

Before I updated my phone to Windows 10, I used the Microsoft Money app for news.  It had a glitch where if a photo was a certain size, it would zoom in on a smaller portion of the photo.  This resulted in an article thumbnail image that really had little to do with the story.

I don’t have this app anymore, so I present to you: My archive of noses:


30 Days of Gratitude For Being Awesome

Thanks to Thanksgiving and thanks to social media, we have a ritual each year where everyone tries to show off to all their friends how grateful they are for what they have in their life.  I can’t help but think this supposed show of humility is nothing more than a mask for narcissism.  To that end, I decided to list a bunch of things I’m grateful for.  Things that show I’m better than you, more fortunate than you, more deserving than you, and yet, more thankful than you.  Let’s start.

  1. November 1st is a Sunday.  I don’t have to work on weekends because I have a white-collar job and get paid really well for it.  So, I’m grateful my job is awesome.
  2. Monday the 2nd.  I don’t have any kids that I have to get ready for school or deal with any of their whining or “I’m tired” bullshit.  Thank god for that.
  3. Tuesday.  Hey, Tie Tuesday!  I’ve got a great selection of ties to choose from.  I don’t have to wear the same old ties over and over.  I’m thankful I found these ties on sale, probably paying a lot less than a bunch of people did for the same tie.
  4. Wednesday.  Like just about any day, I eat out for lunch.  Most people have to bring in their lunches and usually stay in the building.  I get to leave for a while.  I am very fortunate.
  5. Thursday and the weekend is coming quickly.  Since I don’t have a lot of obligations, my weekend can be pretty much whatever I want it to be.  It’s good to have options like that.
  6. Friday now and the weekend is here.  I think I’ll give the car a wash and wax so I can turn some heads when I’m driving top-down around the beaches this weekend.  My car isn’t new anymore, but it’s still an uncommon car and gets attention.  It’s been a good car to me.
  7. On Saturday I spend some time cleaning the pool and spa.  I don’t get a lot of use out of them, but they are an attractive feature of the house when they are taken care of.
  8. Sunday again.  I think today is going to be a sleep/eat/nap/eat/sleep/eat/sleep day.  Yeah, I can do that.  Got to be thankful for days like that.
  9. Monday, back at work.  Had some code issues, but I solved them quickly because I really know what I’m doing.  I’m thankful that my mind is well-tuned to solving coding problems.
  10. Another Tuesday.  Hey, Thai Tuesday!  I have my choice of Thai places to eat at because the area I work in is great with food.  I’m fortunate for that.
  11. Wednesday, my cat greeted me at the door, like usual.  She’s a pretty cool cat, with the best qualities of a dog and yet still a cat.  I’ve always had great cats for pets.  I’m pretty lucky there.
  12. Thursday, I was at work and a got a compliment on the mouse pad I use.  Sounds odd, but the mouse pad is really nice.  Thick, stitched, oiled leather.  It wasn’t cheap, but it’s going to last forever and look great doing it.  I’m glad I found it and had the opportunity and funds to buy it.
  13. Friday.  Another weekend is here and another chance to spend time with my awesome girlfriend.  You want to talk about being grateful, you need to have a good relationship to understand it.
  14. Saturday out at the premium outlets.  It’s one thing to window shop and imagine what you would do with that kind of stuff.  It’s quite another to know you could buy it if you really wanted it.  It’s even yet another to know when the value is worth the price (it rarely is).  I’m grateful I have the knowledge of all three.
  15. Sunday at the beach.  Yeah, it’s November and I’m roasting at the beach.  10 years ago, I would not have had this opportunity.  I have to be grateful of the direction my career has taken me.
  16. Monday, I spend a bit of time reviewing my retirement accounts.  I may fret and worry that I’m not saving enough to meet my goals, but really, what are goals?  You have no idea you’ve reached them when you get there because your goals have stretched.  So I am grateful that I have anything in savings for retirement.  So many people don’t have anything and that’s sad.
  17. Another Tuesday at work and I have the opportunity to explain some interesting code with coworkers.  Being able to share knowledge and make everyone’s skill a little better is a great reward.  It’s good to have that ability.
  18. Wednesday, hump-day, a day out at lunch with co-workers commiserating and having good food.  It’s good to not be a loner all the time.
  19. Thursday is a day all to myself.  It’s good to be able to be alone when you want to be.
  20. Friday I ride my motorcycle into work.  I should be grateful I haven’t had any accidents on my bike.  And I should be grateful the bike still runs with as neglectful I am of it.
  21. Saturday, I review my upcoming bills.  Everything is well under control and can be paid.  I’m grateful I have both control of my spending and a job that affords me to spend what I want.
  22. Sunday again…  One more week of awesomeness/gratitude/narcissism.  I spend a little time playing keyboards.  I’m not a rock star, but I play good enough to please myself.  Since I write all my own stuff, that must count for something.  It’s a great talent to have.
  23. Monday at work, I’m listening to co-workers discuss the subtle nuances of the comedy of Family Guy and the skill of their Fantasy Football picks.  I’m pretty thankful I couldn’t participate in either of those discussions.
  24. Tuesday, I leave work early for an appointment.  It’s no big deal because my job doesn’t micro-manage your time.  They know it’ll come back to them some day when I have to work late to fix a critical issue.  That flexibility is pretty nice and I’m grateful for it.
  25. Wednesday, I’m making plans with the girlfriend to have a great holiday.  We’ve had a lot to be thankful for together.
  26. Thursday – Thanksgiving.  I am grateful that although my cooking is limited to soup, grilled cheese, burgers, and spaghetti, I can still crock-pot a turkey and it’s fairly edible.  And my cat is grateful for that, too.
  27. Friday (black), It’s good that I know back roads to avoid the shopping clusterfucks.  I’m not taking the day off, but a lot of people will, so it will be a very light work day.  That’s great, too.
  28. Saturday I go looking through some of my bills and I see that I have a lot of rewards racked up for my credit cards, like $300 worth.  I’ll probably let them grow because I don’t have a pressing need for them yet.  That’s something to be glad about.
  29. Sunday, chilling with the girlfriend and realizing how good life has been to me.  It’s not perfect, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.  You can do some people-watching and overhear a lot of misery in the world.
  30. Monday, Grateful this post is over and grateful I don’t have any social media that I would have to do this kind of crap for real and wonder whether I has being too vapid or too self-centered or too insulting.

Disclaimer: Some or most items may have been altered or exaggerated for effect.

Finding The Unexpected

My new section here on my blog for the MCA Master Series has all its images backed by my Flickr account.  I’m keeping an album on Flickr for any CD covers that are particularly rare or aren’t available in high quality.  Like I semi-mentioned in my previous post, albums can be re-released by different labels or even by the same label and they may change or update the artwork.  This is rather true for some of the MCA Master Series albums where the artist wants to break free from the consistent design imposed by the label.  So in that case, I feel it’s important to preserve the album art consistent with the version I have, because whenever I search online for the artwork, I get the newest revision.

So, on Flickr, I have all my MCA Master Series covers, along with some others as I’ve been scanning them.  As I was scrolling through the album, I noticed one of the covers had an abnormally high view count relative to my others.  Like a 100:1 difference.  The cover was Albert Lee – Gagged But Not Bound:

So I started to do some research.  I wanted to know who found my scan and what they thought of it, good or bad.  I looked for any Albert Lee fan sites/forums.  I looked for album art blogs, I couldn’t find anything.  I thought maybe it had ended up in Flickr’s Interesting list or maybe a group there.  Nope.

I didn’t have a Flickr Pro account, so I couldn’t see any advanced statistics, like where the traffic was coming from.  After a couple days of searching in vain, I broke down and paid for a Flickr Pro account.  And of course, the stats weren’t historical.  I had to wait for more people to view the image.

A couple days later, I checked up on it and sure enough, I had stats – useful stats.  The cover was being found through Flickr search, not from an external website or search engine.  That’s odd.  Why would they find that image and not any of my others.  Then I drilled in deeper and looked at the keywords being searched.  Oh.

I guess people use Flickr to search for erotic bondage pictures.  Photos involving people being “gagged” and “bound”.  And, among their expected search results, my CD cover scan is in there, and it’s intriguing enough for them to click on.  On one hand, I’m disappointed my stuff is being found in a search for a fetish, and on the other hand, I think it’s surprising that my stuff is actually interesting enough to be viewed in that context.

Check, Please

There’s a recently-born phase that is cast about as an insult, “Check yourself” which is meant to convey to the target that they are essentially, out of touch.  There’s a whole deeper meaning to the phrase that involves class warfare and the modern caste system, so using this phrase is really a lot harsher than it may initially sound.

“Check yourself” infuriates me.  And when I get mad, I get very mocking.  And when I get really mocking, I go redneck.  Think of an exaggerated version of Larry the Cable Guy (if that’s possible).  I don’t do stand-up comedy, but if I did, I would totally do this routine, despite the fact that it absolutely destroys my voice when I’m doing it.

Anyway, the idea that a person must tell another to “check their privilege” is reserved for people who a) have privilege and b) know what privilege is and c) know who should have it and d) believe they know who is affected by it.  None of these apply to rednecks (in the Blue Collar comedy definition).  They’re just simple folk who don’t want to get involved in the business of telling other people what they should be doing. 

So I came up with a Blue Collar routine, in the format of “Git ‘er dun”, “Here’s your sign” and “You might be a redneck”.  The premise being, what if a redneck heard about the phrase “Check yourself” and didn’t understand it (because they don’t have that concept), but wanted to make use of it because it was hip.  Thus we get:

Check yerself!
You might have shit yourself with that fart.

Check yerself!
Your shoelaces are untied!

Check yerself!
Make sure your balls aren’t stuck to the inside of your leg.

Check yerself!
Your hat is on backwards.

Check yerself!
You’re walking where the dog likes to shit.

Check yerself!
You got boogers hangin’.

Check yerself!
Your truck ain’t high enough for that road.

And that’s all I could come up with on my drive home.  It’s enough to start with, and it’s enough to take my mind off the stupidity of people trying to shame other people for what they have, either through their own work or worse, by simply being born that way.

Quotes Considered

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

That would be pretty damn unfair if the deal ended up as 90% worst and 10% best.  I think maybe the counteroffer should be: “I deserve a partner whose mean demeanor is at least 75% of the theoretical positive maximum.”

“It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.”

Anything is an answer to something, and everyone has at least one question.  So it’s not so much a matter of knowing some questions or some or all of the answers, but the mapping between the two.

“The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is be an American and then write any kind of music you wish.”

I think Americans do this with just about everything.  Look at American Apparel, American Express, and American Eagle Outfitters.  Do something and put “American” in front of it and you have patriotic profits!

“Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.”

There are a shitload of shitty chess players now.  They’ve created their own rules and defined the pieces differently, so they are incompatible with modern, proper, intelligent chess players.

“All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.”

Clearly coined by a non-programmer who doesn’t understand garbage-in, garbage-out.  However, I will give props to the analogy since the term “series reboot” in film has become fairly mainstream.  Maybe all playwrights are programmers and all audiences are lousy computers.

“Even with the best of maps and instruments, we can never fully chart our journeys.”

No duh.  You need to have a destination in mind before you start a journey.

“Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

Space is huge and empty.  There is no “landing” if you miss the moon.  You will be adrift forever in an empty void.  If you are shooting for the moon, you need to be insanely precise.